i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
