his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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