I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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