This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
