i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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