Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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