I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
