Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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