Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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