I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I woke up under a house in Key West
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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