I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize