come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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