saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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