Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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