i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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