I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
she peed on how many people?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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