do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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