I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
