im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
