sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
