Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize