One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
