I think I just saw someone hide a body.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
