Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
