I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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