I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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