Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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