I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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