It's like God shit irony all over that family
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
