I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
