Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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