In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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