thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
