I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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