Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
