He disabled his match.com account in front of me
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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