She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
she peed on how many people?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
