i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
