just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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