I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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