forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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