Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
