so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
