my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
