just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
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