guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize