By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
