im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
