dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize