Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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