Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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