Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
