I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
