He asked to "fluff my boner.."
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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