You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
