Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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