I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
