I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Randomize
