you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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