if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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