I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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