I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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